||[Nov. 17th, 2007|01:43 am]
So God apparently doesn't want me to teach the little children. cruel sense of humor. oh well. I've spent a week of drunken remorse and it's time to move and figure this shit out.|
Possibly Grad school although I've been saying for a while that I'd like a break in between undergrad and grad to develop a 'voice'. I've been looking in particular at the program at Columbia University in Chicago. It's actually fairly well priced and Chicago would place me close to my brother- who is attempting to move back to Milwaukee.
On the other hand, I have a good group of guys that I've been working with on film endeavors and I have a fairly good contant list around Birmingham... so maybe I'll save the money I would spend at Grad school and invest in more equipment... the draw back to this being that I might not ever break out of local market and be forced into shooting wedding videos for the rest of my life and not have the opportunity to do more adventerous work like national geographic, but the plus side would be working with professional equipment on side pet projects that I am passionate about.
Hell. This is compliacated. I've known for two years now what I wanted the next step to be and I've been planning on having these next two years to decide what would come after that... and now that I don't have that time I'm forced to make some pretty critical decisions.
It's just hard. And that's all there is to say. But that is true for everyone. It's hard. It's not espically hard, but it remains true.
Of course there is a strew of other possibilities even more exotic: studying abroad, moving to california, or joining a commune.
It'd be nice to have something concrete to grasp on. I have very few interpersonal ties. I am a distant person. I keep to myself and expect little of others- I've learned this through experience. The easiest way not to become jaded or upset is to expect less. Or does that mean I'm already jaded... meh.
It just seems to come down to the position of the moon or the weather and the time of day. Logic seems to have nothing to do with it.
Timing. When is the right time to do this that or the other thing? And can we have it all? Or is life just a series of compromises? But why did I add 'just' to that sentence? Isn't there a beauty in the combination of two souls? Of course it requires sacrifice and a bit of loss of the 'self'. You'll never find that person that fits you exactly and if you did you probably couldn't stand them.
I am greatly dissapointed about Teach for America, but this process will make me grow. I wanted the structure of the program, but now I've got to work it out for myself in my own way. And that could be a theme carries over in several different ways. I can be very compassionate and understanding of others positions, but maybe I just have to make it work for myself.