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[Jul. 9th, 2008|01:09 am] |
Summer days pass quickly- but I'm in a bit of a rut. I'm finding it difficult to motivate myself to do list of personal chores I have. Simple tasks get put off until they build up into massive tasks. Personal sloth. I enjoy the role of good Samaritan. Need a favor? Call me up. I'll find the time, money, resources to assist.
I think it has to do with lacking a clear purpose. A voice. A meaning to whatever it is that I'm trying to accomplish. I'm good at the check list. I will do A so I can accomplish B which will enable C. I guess its from years of institutional structures. Pass this class with this grade and you will achieve this scholarship, get into this other class, or eventually get that job. Now it's just the pursuit of a job. A living. It's frustrating.
My aims are not high- but neither are my needs. Twenty-two. Twenty-two.
A good age- enough perspective to let most things wash over me. Let it come- whatever it may be. And I will be here, and I will remain and it will all go on. It always go on. Hunter S, "No, no. Learn to enjoy losing."
Let me find the words. Let me find the way. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2008|09:08 pm] |
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lately life has been making me very thirsty. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2007|09:57 pm] |
I graduated.
I'm starting to crawl out of my shell of self-pity.
And so it goes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2007|12:30 am] |
All of my finals are tomorrow. Tomorrow is my last day of finals.
It's not as exciting as it seems. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2007|01:43 am] |
So God apparently doesn't want me to teach the little children. cruel sense of humor. oh well. I've spent a week of drunken remorse and it's time to move and figure this shit out.
Possibly Grad school although I've been saying for a while that I'd like a break in between undergrad and grad to develop a 'voice'. I've been looking in particular at the program at Columbia University in Chicago. It's actually fairly well priced and Chicago would place me close to my brother- who is attempting to move back to Milwaukee.
On the other hand, I have a good group of guys that I've been working with on film endeavors and I have a fairly good contant list around Birmingham... so maybe I'll save the money I would spend at Grad school and invest in more equipment... the draw back to this being that I might not ever break out of local market and be forced into shooting wedding videos for the rest of my life and not have the opportunity to do more adventerous work like national geographic, but the plus side would be working with professional equipment on side pet projects that I am passionate about.
Hell. This is compliacated. I've known for two years now what I wanted the next step to be and I've been planning on having these next two years to decide what would come after that... and now that I don't have that time I'm forced to make some pretty critical decisions.
It's just hard. And that's all there is to say. But that is true for everyone. It's hard. It's not espically hard, but it remains true.
Of course there is a strew of other possibilities even more exotic: studying abroad, moving to california, or joining a commune.
It'd be nice to have something concrete to grasp on. I have very few interpersonal ties. I am a distant person. I keep to myself and expect little of others- I've learned this through experience. The easiest way not to become jaded or upset is to expect less. Or does that mean I'm already jaded... meh.
It just seems to come down to the position of the moon or the weather and the time of day. Logic seems to have nothing to do with it.
Timing. When is the right time to do this that or the other thing? And can we have it all? Or is life just a series of compromises? But why did I add 'just' to that sentence? Isn't there a beauty in the combination of two souls? Of course it requires sacrifice and a bit of loss of the 'self'. You'll never find that person that fits you exactly and if you did you probably couldn't stand them.
I am greatly dissapointed about Teach for America, but this process will make me grow. I wanted the structure of the program, but now I've got to work it out for myself in my own way. And that could be a theme carries over in several different ways. I can be very compassionate and understanding of others positions, but maybe I just have to make it work for myself.
Selah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2007|10:53 am] |
We are sorry to inform you that your application for Teach for America has been denied.
Fuck.
Time for plan B. Whatever that may be... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2007|06:06 pm] |
She's got a stack of mixed cd's, bottles of alcohol, and some mary jane and pretty soon the memories of me will fade.
Truth: It's sad when its over.
Truth: Sometimes its just over.
Truth: It's still sad.
_________________________________
And then there is life that marches on. The deadline for graduation and real life is rapidly approaching. I'm much more than knee deep and relief and rest is no where in sight.
-Edu Arts is going well enough. The field trips are on Nov 6th and 8th. Say a special prayer for me (to the moon god or whomever you choose) on those days. I need to start planning now what the curiculum for next semester will entail. We've been to McWane too many times now and I don't think I could teach that again and keep my sanity. There is a really neat urban farm that is geared towards educating youth about where their food comes from and good nutritional habits that I may try to collaberate with.
-Teach for America application is due Nov 5th. If my application is accepted the process moves quite quickly. I'd have a phone interview in under a month and then a personal interview less than two weeks after that. I'd know by mid December if I was accepted to the program. I have to write two essays for the application. One is a letter of my intent while in the program and the other is an essay on a major obstacle I've over come in my life. The second one is much more challanging to me than the first. I'd like to write my essay centered around the concept of sincereity... but I wonder if that is too abstract.
-Classes are not going as well as usual. Passing, but not my usual standard. It would help if I attended them more often.
-My capstone is at a grit lock of nonproduction. This is a major problem. This must be addressed this weekend... I'm far behind and I still want to produce something of quality.
-Apple Insomniac Film Festival. VOTE please! This was a 24 hour film contest I entered with some friends. It's online, the winner of the public vote or judges vote (but you have to be in the top 25 public vote to even be viewed by the judges) wins a laptop for each member of the group. This would be nice. Go to
http://edcommunity.apple.com/insomnia_fall07/contest.php and search for our film "Panic'd" . You have to have an apple ID to vote (Itunes account) but registration for that is free.
Maybe the Verminator could get her broadcasting students to vote for a brother? :-)
-Speak First. I've been cutting my responsibilities short with them, but I've become reimpassioned with working with this group. It's a great organization.
-Corner High School. I don't want too anymore, but they've already paid me. Damn.
Selah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2007|11:31 pm] |
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I use to think it took a lot of strength to run away and live a life of solitude in the wilderness. I guess an ode to the transcendental classics. But now it reminds me more of Calvin and Hobbes where they run off to the 'Yukon'. It takes much more strength to stay and battle futilely away. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 2nd, 2007|04:45 pm] |
I'm enjoying my last semester at UAB. My final two sociology classes are reminding me of why I chose this major in the first place and is making me more confident in the education I've payed for these past couple of years.
I feel comfortably busy. I have enough to work on to feel productive and not so much that I feel like I am rushing through opportunities I should be putting more effort into.
I'm starting to lock into my post graduate plans. I've thought roughly about a couple of ideas for a while- mostly at arms length to make sure I don't get disappointed or narrow minded. I've been doing some research on the Teach for America program and I'm getting really excited about it. It seems like a great program for my current frame of mind and age. It provides a medium in which to make a difference and to perpetuate further higher education opportnities.
Educational Arts. Mixed feelings. I'm on the edge. There is a lot of planning I should have done this summer that is catching up with me now. My lesson plans are due on the 4th and I start teaching on the 18th. My main contact with McWane is out until the 21st - which means I'm having to jump through more hoops than I should have if I hadn't put this off. Character lesson here? I'm excited though. Two classes this semester and the freedom to really scope the class to what I think is important.
Capstone. Oh capstone. I feel a bit dissapointed in myself. I was hoping to have the script completed by the beginning of the semester- but the rough draft we've developed just isn't good enough. It makes me doubt if the concept is good enough, but I don't have any contigency ideas and I know that I want to make this film. I'm just tired of making mediocre products. I want to make something polished and beautiful. Solution: work harder. Character lesson number two?
My brother's house. Interesting and introspective. My brother- the grand idiot has moved and left a wasteland of a home for my parents to clean up and sell for him. I think you would be hard pressed to find even a frat house in more disrepair and in poorer condition that this home. I've come back twice to help clean. It makes me angrier at my brother than I've ever been. You can't choose your family- and in many ways I should be greatful to have such a wide range of siblings to look at.
Symbolic Interactionism is perhaps my favorite branch of sociology. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2007|12:18 am] |
I don't understand evolution. It certainly makes more sense than creation or a God. Those that believe in God don't look out their window much. Nature is beautiful and deadly. If their is a God he is beautiful and deadly and lacks compassion.
Evolution. The best traits surving and being passed on. Somehow in our human history our ability to relate to each other has been completely bypassed by this process. We still struggle against each other- slowing becoming embittered over all sorts of small inevitable encounters. My father and my mother have not passed on any wisdom. I am no better off than the cavemen, conquistador, or any other person at any time. The only answer is that we are all inevitable alone. Humans weren't meant to build things that last. Maybe thats why the ancients always constructed large buildings. An attempt at immortaility. The thrill of creating something forever.
People aren't good to each other. And not even on purpose. We are all just so limited. If I was performing a bibliothearpy I would use an example from Wes Anderson's film, "The Royal Teenabaums" when Marge's husband (Bill Murray) asks her if she still loves him, and she replies, "I wouldn't even know how to being to answer that question."
I just had an ironic thought. I'm typing this on LJ. But only because the words are burning in my mind. Even those that read this- it won't bring us any closer. Its just the state of things.
The beat was wrong but the music went on and on. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2007|07:17 pm] |
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this has been a most unproductive but fun summer. I think life will be catching up with me shortly though. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2007|04:57 am] |
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um... I miss sleep. But this video project is due tomorrow. Therefore it will be done tomorrow and maybe I can lay off shooting, editing, and drinking for a little while- or at least shooting and editing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2007|10:48 pm] |
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four days until my birthday and life is very good. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2007|11:37 pm] |
It finally strikes and on those nights you feel inspired to write because of the tangled mess inside your head that is demanding to be let free. Sometimes I go weeks without it- feeling empty as the flashes of thought like lightening lead nowhere- but then tonight- it flashes- and then another, until there is an electrical storm and the dry brush of wasted days is set on fire and as I sit alone in my apartment with my mind on fire I feel at home even though I am very far from those I consider family.
A toast to Bukowski and what he does for my soul.
A toast to isolation and self loathing for what it does to my character.
A toast to the written word and struggle for communication.
A toast to all that is lost or hidden in the world- seeking to find the men and women who have all said and done what it is that I am searching for.
We are born as blank slates, or thats what some of the academics would have us believe. Chalk boards. And the early writtings of our parents and youthful religions are the faded words we can never completely erase.
Wasted fries and scrambling coachroaches make the same noise beneath your modern shoe.
Dead dogma. When a group or culture stops questioning their beliefs- the beliefs become margainlized and second-rate. No one takes them seriously anymore, they become dead dogma. Christianity once meant something. Now the most basic and clear principles of the prophet Jesus Christ are dismissed. Give up all of my personal belongings, who me? No... Christians are too common. It is dead dogma. It is a motion, a poorly performed nostalgic play, except no one in the audience is brave enough to boo. Democracy and the right to vote was once considered revolutionary and the antidote to oppression from government. We would transcend theocracy and monarchy and the common man would be allowed to live his life and seek his own means. And now we don't question these ideas. And we don't vote. And we don't read the paper, or watch the news. dead dogma. College education is no longer rare, it is required and as you walk the halls you can smell nothing but decay as you see the dull students of dead dogma around you.
The brush of wasted days on fire.
And tonight I am happy.
This evening feels real.
Tomorrow will bring sun and maybe even rain, and the under brush will begin to grow again, and my dead friends from the past will be there to burn it away again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2007|10:28 pm] |
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There is restless part of me growing. I don't know that I can or want to shut it out. I feel the need to flee and abandon and rediscover. It feels like a crack and I'm afraid it runs right through me. I want to explore it, but going there would change everything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2007|02:19 am] |
I've been awake for a really long time- but I'm not tired at the moment. I'm in the mood for good conversation, but currently lack company. This summer promises to be very exciting, it will either prove to be a great success or a serious folly, but I'm okay with that. I feel the need to move on something, to jump in without reservation and to really pour myself into it. I'm tired of half-assing things and coming up with mediocre results. I want excellence, and I want it now. Ha.
I went on the best, worst date I've ever had. The girl tripped more red flags on the first date than what is required for me to break up with most girls- even after several months of involvement. The really strange part was that I thoroughly enjoyed the evening, but immediately knew there would be no second date. I think that I couldn't tare myself away from the train-wreck of communication occuring and I wanted to see just how far it would go. She's a lovely girl, but completely not what I'm looking for.
It's really strange that things like this put me in such a good mood, but I really enjoy meeting people with strong character. I think Hunter S. Thompson said it best (and I'm paraphrasing here...) when he talked about his lawyer in Fear and Loathing. He described him as one of those prototypes for man- to weird to ever be considered for mass production and too strange to die. I think that I am drawn to these individuals because of my overwhelming state of mediumness. I have very few qualities or behaviors that could be considered extreme. I'm one of the most 'medium' individuals that I know. It makes me a highly functionable and agreeable individual, but also somewhat uninspiring and dry.
If I was performing a bibliotherapy I would show the clip from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind where Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet have a confrintation on the train over the word 'nice'. While struggeling for words, he describes her as nice, and she goes on a rant about how she doesn't need nice. I wish I could recall her actual lines, but it's cloudy in my head. This is a very personal sentiment to me. I've spent years developing an unabrasive nice personality- and occasionally I doubt if that was a good choice. There is definately value in it, but it is easily over looked and taken forgranted- which are not exactly desireable reactions one wants to create from their disposition.
I really don't like christianity.
I'm tired of typing but still desire conversation. It's time for dreams though- |
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| What are you thinking? |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|11:52 pm] |
Because the words are empty.
That is why I often wish to remain silent and think my thoughts privately.
Because everything dissolves.
The perfect moments- of prescence and comfort are fleeting and do not last, and to pause and comment on them removes you from the moment.
Because emotions are fleeting.
Expressing yourself- in that moment- is treacherous because you've isolated yourself from the world- you're in a bubble and the words and feelings come freely and you truely mean them... then. in the moment. but that doesn't neccessarily translate into the next moment. This does not make you a liar- it's just the nature of the moment... and to verbally expresses these feelings is only to set yourself up for contradiction and hypocrisy.
Were we just talking shit about a pretty sunset?
I don't want to believe that. That's what this 'moment' theory is all about. Otherwise so much that passed between us would be insincere or dishonest.
We are such fickle creatures, but I still want to smile when I see you- so I hope you understand my train of thought here- it helps me sort the whole thing out.
Selah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 16th, 2007|08:57 pm] |
I've got a crazy case of head congestion that is destroying my cognative ability. It's makes me scatter brained and mumbly. I laugh but mostly out of frustration at myself and the gibberish that is falling from my lips.
NAB is here and my inner nerd is blooming. So many new toys to drool over. At least I got to nerd speak with some other broadcasters who appreciate my obsessive interest in these sorts of things. I chatted back and forth with the director of APT over e-mail about some of the new developments in Final Cut and its satellite companions. Color looks espcially promising and the new features to Motion look exactly like what I've been hoping for. Still waiting to here more information about Hydra- it's a third party hardware install for my camera that would bypass all of the compressing that occurs after the image is captured and would allow me to shoot and capture native uncompressed HD at 4:4:4. This type of image quality has previously been only at the hands of those with enough money for 2/3rd CCD chips (25K and up range) so this is espically exciting- not that I'm going to get it- the workflow is still a nightmare- you have to capture everything via a USB 2 port- which means you have to build a custom rig with either a laptop and a HDD or a Mac mini.
Ahhh. Okay. I feel better. At least I can purge all of this on here instead of boring all of my friends with all of this- eh, so I'll probably just repeat to all of them anyways.
New NIN album tomorrow. I can't wait to see the album art- Trent has really put a lot of time and creative interest into this piece and I know the final product will show all of his effort.
I really miss my brother and his family. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get up to VA to visit them for an extended period this summer. I'm sure I'll make it some weekend- but I'm hoping for more than that. This summer will mark his 10th wedding anniversary- and they are only 28. We are such opposites- and yet we remain very close. We both suffer from the same silent intensity that tends to draw us away from crowds and into the edges of social interaction. Neither one of us are socially inept- but we only go so far. Those waters are deep- and despite the mass of bodies- it's bitterly cold and in my opinon* polluted. (I can never spell that word).
Let it be- and be happy. Don't worry about control or directing the boat- you aren't in any hurry to get to anywhere anyways- so why try steering? It's our life playing out as a Mark Twain adventure- we are on the Mississippi river and we're floating on a jerry-rigged raft together for a time. We know eventually we'll jump 'boat' and join others but for right now we're drifting in the same direction and company always makes the scenery better. But please don't be offended by me if at times I seem to forward- my intentions are good. I have no aims of control or owning you- its just a bit in my nature to give. Not alturistic though, right? Because there is no alturism? Haha... anyway.
A good night to you all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2007|06:48 pm] |
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Friday the 13th. Should have been a sign. I had a 'low speed impact with the ground' today. Haha. Very embarressing, but I'm fine and the bike is fine. Some scrapes and bruises on my knee and a few cosmetic scratches on the bike. Damn left turns at four way stops while resting on a hill. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|09:36 pm] |
I really enjoy teaching. It's rather silly. Two weeks ago I'd never shifted or even sat on a motorcycle and now I'm 'teaching' all of my friends how to ride. Ha. Talk about the blind leading.
I borrowed Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance from a friend and I'm loving it so far.
It's really strange- sometimes events in my life will start to take a central theme. I'll get a random thought in my mind and they every where I go and every social situation I come into plays into it. Looking at this sentence it sounds slightly absurb- of course when you become conscious of something you tend to find it around you- but it's brought up without my intention. I don't think I'm explaining myself well-
Despite last nights interuption in my life- I'm happy right now.
P.S. I HATE TAXES |
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